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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Weak moment.

My heart aches. It's ached like this once before so I know what it means. But knowing does nothing for the pain. I wish I could scream my feelings at you, to say I love you without having to feel guilty, to say I love you without knowing it will mess both of us up even more. I wish I could hear you say the same words back one more time.

I've saved every picture you sent me, every letter you wrote, every voice message you recorded - they are all I have left now.

I just miss you so much and I feel so sorry for what we're doing to each other.









I love you.

Friday, April 4, 2014

December 2010 - March 2014

Jehki and I have broken up.

This is not day-fresh - or even week-fresh - news, but I've struggled for quite a bit about putting it on here and letting the whole world know. It's been almost a month now and I think initially, a part of me still imagined us getting back together. Writing about it on my blog would make that impossible and make it final. But that's what it is now, final.

Only a handful of people knew about this and most of them were devastated because as much as I find it hard to fathom, people 'shipped' us. From the messages I've received, I know many of you do as well, and it probably has a lot to do with why you read my blog in the first place. So I guess that's why I feel the need to let you in on this part of my life, even though talking about it is the last thing I want to do.

Jehki and I have been through a lot for the past three years, from our friendship, to our long-distance relationship, to Holly, to my health, to his business, to my insecurities, to his grandma's passing. Before your mind wanders, I just want to clarify that neither of us did anything wrong, neither of us cheated. It wasn't the distance taking a toll on us, and it definitely wasn't because we stopped loving each other. Although I can't completely reveal why we are breaking up, I don't want anyone to think that we had anything but a mutual and amiable break up.

It's heartwrenching when you have to let go of someone you've shaped your life around, but this was a decision we came to together. To give a very political and annoying (but still accurate) reason: We broke up because we wanted different things in life. Rather than staying in this relationship purely out of love, we thought it would be better to free ourselves and be with other people who might want the same things. Ultimately, we are at a point in life where we date to marry and the thing we disagree on impedes on marriage directly, so splitting up was the right thing to do.

Right now, Jehki and I are just trying very hard to move on. We've stopped speaking since the break up but it's not permanent. We were best friends before anything romantic, and like we promised each other 3 years ago, we will always be best friends at the end of the day. We agreed to see other people in the meantime and that's what we are both doing. When we're ready, we'll go back to bantering like old buds again.

I know I'll be writing another blogpost about this when I can wrap my head around this reality. But for now, I just wanted to get the news out there. I haven't been able to tell most of my friends about this break up, so I'm also hoping they read my blog regularly enough to see this.

And if you're wondering, I am okay xx

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Oh, Milano.

I made a Valentine's trip to Milan this year to meet my man! I've been there twice before to visit J, but this trip was so different in a good way. I don't really have words for it but it was the best two days of my life. Maybe it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's being in a foreign country with someone I love, maybe it's just Italy. Milan, though dusty and cold, was incredibly romantic.


We walked everywhere, visited the beautiful Duomo Cathedral again, and had a staycation in a B&B away from the city centre. It's now my favorite place in the world, even surpassing Venice, simply because of the memories it holds for me.

|| Babe, thank you for planning such an amazing "weekend". Thank you for making this minute occasion feel like my birthday, Christmas, and good Friday all came together in one. Thank you for loving my friends like they are your own and for sending them little gifts every Valentine's Day. I can never predict what surprises you will spring on me and I think after this trip, I will give up on trying to "up" you. You're a Yoda-level romantic and I just can't beat that.

Sometimes I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I wish I could understand how you could love me this much, to enjoy doing so much for someone as undeserving as me. I'm not complaining but I am amazed. Love you xxx

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Love is hardly perfect.

It really isn't and you learn it the hard way. As you know from my previous post, J and I were in a disgusting honeymoon phase (for some reason!?) and we decided we had to break out of it because we were becoming really unproductive. I don't get any work done anymore because I am constantly checking my phone and he is always distracted at work. But the problem with breaking away is the timing. We could never get it right/synchronized so sometimes, it felt like one of us cared more about the other. Also, issues like this magnify in long-distance relationships because texting/calling is essentially the only form of contact you have.

It was very silly and to be honest, I was "tolerating" J for a very long time because while I understood that he was trying to maintain normalcy by texting less, it pissed me off!!! I'm sure he was "tolerating" me as well but that bugger would never admit it because he thinks it's a very offensive word to use in a relationship. I also have to admit that I was being a proper bitch because I refused to tell him he was upsetting me and I played a bit of mind games (without realizing it). This lasted for the whole of three days before he called me out with "where's the open communication you always advise your Tumblr followers?" OH SNAP!!!! So I sucked it up, we talked about it, and it's all rainbows and unicorns now.

I know I always talk about how perfect he is and how happy I am, so I'm just putting this out there to let you know that we are just like any other couple. He is the most amazing man but there are times when my character gets in the way of his and we just have to work around it. I mean, we have been together for three years...there's bound to be friction! So yeah, love is never going to be perfect. It won't always work the way you want it to but that's fine as long as two people are willing to keep fighting together :)

xx


P/s: If you happen to have read my last gibberish entry (which is now deleted), please never speak of it again! That was the aftermath of a space cake when I was in Amsterdam (which I will blog about very soon) and I am not proud of it at all. If you are not one of the lucky few who read it, then you are not a big enough fan of this blog!!! Also, you missed out on some prime mentioning of Divya entering the porn industry (hahahaha, jokes).

Monday, February 24, 2014

Freshly in love.

Things have been so different between J and I lately, and I love it!! I don' even know what brought it on but it seems like we're back to our honeymoon phase. We are texting every second of everyday, we flirt like new flings, he thinks I am "kind and soft and lovely", and I just can't stop smiling whenever I read something he sends me. It's so unusual!

We've already been together for three years and I always thought that the honeymoon train was long gone. Though technically, we were never mushy like this because we were such good friends even before anything happened. Whatever it is, I'm not going to question it. We laugh at our mush from time to time but I'm content with the way things are now :)

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Happy Chinese New Year!

Ok, this might be a little late seeing that CNY has ended but better late than never! 2014 is another year I am away from my family during this festive season but Divya and I definitely made the best of it :)

We went grocery-shopping, made ourselves a cozy steamboat dinner and decorated our flat! Pretty sure the decorations will stay up for the rest of the year haha.

Posing for a family portrait here with a baby-sized chicken we found in the supermarket. 




Disclaimer: Div made me mock my race with the peace signs. She is very very racist.

Jokes aside, I really look forward to being with my fam next year. Everyone else was posting about reunion dinners and first day of visiting on Facebook and Instagram, and it just made me really envious. In 2015, I'll finally have yusheng and angbaos again!

HUAT AH! :D

Friday, January 31, 2014

Georgie.

If there's one person I'm really thankful for meeting in 2013, it's George. He's a psychology student like me, but I only met him in my final year. It was hilarious the way we became friends, actually. It was the first lecture of the term and halfway in, the lecturer kept going on and on about a guy named Simmons.

"Poor Simmons came up with a theory..."
"Poor Simmons conducted a study..."

It went on for about 5 minutes and I started flipping through my lecture notes trying to find out about Simmons' background. I was so confused because I didn't understand why the lecturer thought he was such a poor thing. I think I mumbled something along the lines of "What's so sad about this guy?" and everyone around me stared at me weirdly. That confused me even more until George, who was sitting beside me, said "Not POOR Simmons...PAUL SIMMONS." We looked at each other and literally burst out laughing!!! I've survived well with the English accent for the past two years but never have I imagined falling victim to something as stupid as this!! George still uses this incident to tease me for being "so chinese". Haha.

That's basically how we became friends and since then, we've been hanging out almost every week, even when we don't have the same lectures. We make time for hot chocolate, a quick meal on campus, and sometimes lunch in town. I like to call him Georgie because we are both hardcore fans of Grey's Anatomy and I like to pretend he's O'Malley.

Honestly, I'm really grateful to have him as a friend. He's cool. The time he came into my life was the same time when I felt like I was losing another close man-friend. I was gutted but in a way, he filled that void. George feeds me banter and no-bullshit truths and advice to "stop being such a girl". He puts in effort as a friend and I really appreciate that. For example, when I went home for Christmas, he still bothered to Facetime/Skype me in wee hours of the morning. More importantly, he's been through something I am going through right now and he understands some things about me that few people can. It's only been 5 months of friendship but I've grown so much closer to him. He's just always been there.

Just this morning, I was feeling a little upset so he met me outside my flat. We went for a walk while I ranted like a little bitch, stopped by his place for tea, and I felt so much better after.

I have gained and lost so many people in my life since I've been here, so I treasure those who are here to stay. George is one of them, as far as I know.


//I haven't forgotten about J (in case you were wondering) and he is still the person I hold dearest to my heart. That won't change. Georgie and I share a very platonic friendship and J is fully supportive of that!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

How To Be A Friend.

I spent the entire day with friends today and I'm home now feeling fulfilled from the htht we had, and yet completely spent from the things I found out. Being in the UK has made me so detached and oblivious to the tension that has been brewing in one of my friendship groups. Today made me think about myself as a friend and as an individual.

Ever since I left Singapore, one of the biggest alterations I have made to my life is the friends that I keep. Right now, I can confidently say that the people I surround myself with are those I would label as my "close friends" and those I am willing to sacrifice a lot for. I can't say the same before 2010 because then, I had a misconstrued idea of what friendship meant. It's easy to form friendships but hard work comes when you have to maintain these friendships. It takes more than the occasional meet-up or a courtesy text. A friendship worth keeping is one that has honest communication and the relinquishing of ego.

Honest communication- A lot of what is going on right now has gotten so much worse over time because people just REFUSE to be honest with one another. Every time anyone comes to me with a problem that involves another person, the first thing I suggest is for them to talk about it and fix it together. Every time. It's the same with families, couples, and friends. Sometimes, I get the same response, "But I am not the confrontational type". IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING CONFRONTATIONAL. There is no need to be aggressive or to turn it into a war. Communicating your insecurities and anger is the best way to clear any misunderstandings, to remove the possibility of wrong assumptions, and to show that you are still making an effort. More importantly, it gives the other party a chance to change and make amends. I cannot accept people who claim to treasure a relationship yet refuse to be honest about their feelings. In my book, it's the same as declaring an intention to give up. A relationship simply cannot function without honest communication. Problems don't just disappear and you don't just stop feeling lousy because you "gave it time".

Ego- This is more so for people who are on the receiving end of an "honest communication". Some people, like myself, have so much ego that they can have it for dinner. Whenever I hear something negative about my behavior or my personality, my very first reaction is to be defensive and swat away these accusations. But being so prideful will only put up a wall that blocks all attempts of raw honesty. After years and years of practice, I've learnt to put my ego aside. Today when I found out that a friend was hurt by what I did, the first thing I said to her was an apology. It was never my intention to hurt her but I did anyway, so I accepted my fault and apologized before anything else. It took a lot out of me to not defend myself but it was the right thing to do.


I am writing this post for so many reasons. To remind myself not be an assholic friend, to remind YOU what you already know but don't practice (don't think I don't know), and I guess a small part of me wishes my friends would read this and understand where I am coming from. I spent three hours texting people individually tonight, hoping to create a platform for reconciliation, but I think emotions are peaking right now and little of what I am saying is getting through to them. I'm genuinely afraid I cannot fix things before I leave Singapore.

But come what may, this post is my honest communication.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Yuandiggy.


The best part of being home is getting to see my baby again. I've been taking are of yuanyuan full-time for the past few weeks and I'm loving every minute of it! Pretty sure she's sick of me though. 

When I went to Bangkok, I bought shit loads of clothes for her. And I made her try them on ><

She was kinda annoyed at first but then she started posing for the camera. I mean, look at that professional model pose in the fourth picture?!

Awwwwwww~

This is her pyjamas and it's adorable!!

Now, she poses every time I whip out my camera (and food).

THIS IS SO CUTE.


Love her to bits :) x

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Homecoming.

J is coming home tomorrow!!!!!! I can't even describe how happy I am.

As I am typing this out now, I'm sitting on his bedroom floor. His mum let me in and I just spent the last two hours decorating every inch of it with our pictures, fairy lights and some Christmas-y stuff. LDR has made me such a mush, but it's our third anniversary very soon and I want to do something girlfriend-like.

Also, I've been stuffing my face with his mum's cooking and playing with Oden (his dog) for the past hour. Can't think of a better way to spend my Saturday :)

I really miss J... Just being in his room reminded me so much of us before we both left Singapore. It wasn't necessarily a happier time, but it was definitely simpler; we had no idea what LDR had in store for us. I miss laying together with him without having to worry about the expiration of our time together. I miss writing on his desk and sticking post-its all over the place. I miss leaving his house at the end of the day and having the luxury of saying "See you tomorrow".

Two more years. Two more years before we can be in the same place again. Cannot wait to see him on Monday :) x

Friday, December 20, 2013

If they dusted my heart for fingerprints, they would only find yours.

I'm feeling particularly loved right now... :)

Ever since 8-9 months ago, I've been hit with one bad news after another, particularly with my health. And because J and I have always maintained an open and honest communication with each other, he has also been on the receiving end of these haunting news. I've tried protecting him but it never worked out for either of us - he knows me too well to know when I am troubled by something and it only stresses him out more when he doesn't know what it is, and I...I've always needed him more than I care to admit. Somehow, his strength compensates for the loss of mine. So I surrendered to the fact that I will have to share everything with him, good or bad.

Safe to say, I have put him through hell ever since but I must say that he has been nothing short of amazing. Trekking through all the bad, things finally took a positive turn yesterday. I heard back some really encouraging news and when I SOS skyped him in the middle of the day to tell him, he surprised me by crying.

I saw the relief wash over his face and it struck me speechless. I mean, of course I know that he loves me, but I guess I have always overlooked the depth of it. Until now, I still find it incredible that someone who isn't obligated to love me, loves me so much.


So thank you, J. Thank you for bearing a weight that wasn't even yours to begin with. Thank you for loving me as much as you do and I can only promise that I will love you back just as much :)


xx

P/s: We are turning 3 on Monday!!!

(I'm sorry I can't detail what actually happened. Only a handful of people know and I plan to keep it that way. But that wasn't the point of this post anyway! Haha.)

Monday, December 16, 2013

Food coma in Bangkok.

Heya peeeps, I'm live-blogging in Bangkok! It's my last day here and I'm making use of every minute to shop and eat and shop and eat.

This picture basically sums up my trip here...I ate so much! Even as I'm blogging now, I'm having a lunch break. Thai people really know their food and if you stick to places outside of shopping malls, you're almost guaranteed cheap, good food. 

My brother and Melody did their research well and brought us to some really good places. So here are the few best ones I think you should definitely check out:

1. T & K Seafood


The food was pretty good and with 6 dishes (+ drinks) between the 4 of us, we only paid 1300baht (S$52)! I recommend the deep fried squid and tom yam soup, but stay away from the fried rice.

You might even see this boss of a cat chilling in a cardboard box when you're there. 

T&K is located in Chinatown but if you can't find it, try asking store owners along the main street.

Address: 
49-51 Soi Phadung Dao
Chinatown, Bangkok

2. Somtam Nua


Somtam was good but really spicy. It's not as cheap as T&K but still very affordable. I think it was about S$65+ for 7 dishes. Try the barbecued pork neck, it was soooo addictive and succulent and tender and [insert yummy food adjectives].

Just looking at it is making me have major cravings.

Somtam is located in Siam Square so it's a nice lunch/dinner option after shopping! It was pretty much packed when we got there so I assume it's a popular choice.

Address:
392/14 Soi Siam Square 5
Rama 1 Road, Bangkok

3. After You


Throwing a hipster dessert cafe in the mix!

You may have seen it on my Instagram (@hawtvintage) - the shibuya honey toast is da bomb! I'm more amazed by the amount of butter infused in the toast than anything else. And because it's such a huge portion, I couldn't even finish it.

They have different kinds of toasts (nutella, ferrero rocher, toffee) but I reckon honey toast is the best. 

Don't bother trying their caramel custard pudding and pancakes. Seriously, STICK TO HONEY TOAST. But you should have their chocolate mud brownie because it was the shizz. 

Address:
Siam Paragon, 1st level

4. OISHI Grand

This next one is a Japanese and International buffet and it is awesome!!!!! There's so much variety (think sushi, dim sum, grilled seafood, beef steak) and the food is mostly incredible. More importantly, it only cost around S$30 per person. Say whaaaaaaaat. For the same dinner, you probably have to pay twice as much in Singapore. 

Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of everything because my camera couldn't keep up with my greediness.


I love me some prawns.

Dessert spread was not impressive but they had Haagen Dazs ice cream!

Address:
Siam iDiscovery, 2nd level

5. Nara Thai 

We more or less stumbled onto this place when we were in Central World. It is pretty pricey (2100baht/S$85 for four) but the food was yummy.


Their tom yam soup is a must-try but don't bother with the pad thai. Omelette was good too!

Address:
Central World, 7th Level


There you go, five food spots for you to check out :D xx

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Early Christmas.

By the time you're reading this, I will be on my flight home! But before that, here's how I spent my last 2013 weekend in Engerlando (aka England).

I don't think many of you know this but I have an aunt who lives in London. I don't visit her as much as I would like because I don't really have time (in between juggling Uni work and Jehki) but she drove down to Canters with Richard (her partner) on Friday to help me with my luggage.


This is only one third of the amount of crap I have but it's already mountain-high.

I spent the weekend at her place in London and because I will be missing Xmas in UK, we celebrated it together. I also got to solo-decorate a tree for the first time!

The saddest-looking tree... 

...But I jazzed it up! Just look at this masterpiece. 100 points for effort! The back of the tree is bare though hahaha.

Amazing Xmas dinner my aunt prepared - Turkey, goose fat roasted potato (BEST THING EVER), and asparagus.

That's my cousin, Tristan, my aunt and Richard! :)

I basically ate my weekend away because my aunt is like the master of mastetchef. And yesterday, I helped prepare a fingerfood feast because there were guests coming over.

Look at this spread!


I baked cupcakes as well but they look better than they taste, so don't be fooled.

Cutest spoons!

I'm waiting to board my flight now. Cannot wait to be with my fam but my parents have no clue that I am back so early. Hahahha. Shout-out to the best brother in the world who is coming to pick me up from the airport and then making dinner to celebrate my homecoming.

See you babies tomorrow! xx

Monday, December 9, 2013

Grey hair no mo!

So.....I have been dyeing my hair with the same person for the past two years. And she always does the best job.


It's DIVYA!!! Hahahaha bet you thought I was going to recommend a proper hair stylist. But yeah, Div is my personal hairdresser and we just did my hair to hide my aging head. It was messy (see the streak of black dye over my forehead), loooong, but fun! 

Don't know what I'm going to do without Div after next year :(


Haha there was literally dye EVERYWHERE and they stained everything!! Not impressed. Worst of all, I was wearing J's jumper and...stained it. Cheekyyy. Soz, J! Don't hate me plox <3


Yum.

Exchanging Xmas Gifts!


Divya and I exchanged Xmas gifts last Friday! I know it's a bit early but I'm leaving London on Monday so we had to get it done.

I got her a Soap & Glory gift set and a handmade glass ring! Bought myself a similar ring to match hers cause it reminded me of our time in Venice. But seriously, how pretty are they?!


Div got me this gorgeooooo burgundy cardigan! Love it so much and it matches a new skirt I bought. Yaaaaaaaaayzee!



Received these cool-looking nail wraps too! I haven't actually tried nail wraps before but I think they will be perfect for my lazy days...........which is every day.

Hahaha xx

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Christmas-lit Town!


Christmas lights are up in Canterbury and they are beauti-foe!

I am sooooo excited for Christmas and being able to go home. I do regret not being able to spend it in England because it's huge here and everywhere is gorgeous. Don't regret dodging the freezing weather, though. 


Don't know if you can tell but there's a massive tree right in the middle. It's so cool because you light it up by stepping on a platform and your energy actually powers it! 

SCIENCE RULEZ!


Pretty lights aside, I found churros in town!!!!! They are only here for this festive season but good enough. I love churros so much. The best ones I've had are in KSL (Johor Bahru) and I don't get to have them as much, so I'm glad I have these in Canters now.

Aww, bless this beautiful town xx

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Waddup bitchezzzzzzz!

Third year in uni has me working my butt off like a mine worker in Hunger Games. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for neglecting my blog. Haha.

I am guessing you probably miss my chubs face so here you go:





I just got a haircut today! Think I might want to grow my hair out again. Anyway, I don't even know why I am telling you something as insignificant as a haircut. I just feel like I need to fill everyone in on every little detail since I've been MIA for months.

In case you're wondering, J and I are very good, though I've only seen him once so far when I flew down to Milan (I'll leave that for another post). LDR is a motherbitch but we are still kicking its ass. It's not easy because there's a slight time difference and we are so consumed with our own workload, but we are trying our best. He makes it a point to skype/facetime me every day and I compensate my hatred for texting by whatsapping him voice recordings. It's just so we don't miss out of each others' life. So far, so good!

I have been receiving some very nice emails lately, some asking how Jehki is, some reminding me to blog before it evaporates into the websphere, but mostly just kind messages for me. Just want to let you know that I have read every single one of them; I procrastinate a lot and am terrible at replying but I will definitely get to every one of them! *terminator voice* I'LL BE BACK.

xx

Saturday, September 14, 2013

First prayer.

Today, J and I prayed together as a couple for the very first time and it was...strange. I was basically a walking oxymoron. It feels a lot like falling in love with a person; having to struggle with letting someone else into your heart, being extremely vulnerable because one wrong move could break you completely yet feeling undeniably comforted that someone is there to share your world.

I have never prayed aloud before - not even with my bible study group - because prayer to me, is something very personal and something I am only willing to share with God. I feel like if I pray aloud, I would focus more on "packaging" it to sound better for the sake of the people listening rather than on what I want to say to God. J, on the other hand, has always wanted to pray together and I finally agreed because my sister did the same with her fiance and it seemed to have helped them grow as a couple.

He went first, praying for both our families, our friends from Singapore and the UK (particularly the one girl who had meningitis, you know who you are), and finally, for each other. I did the same next, lingering slightly longer for his grieving family, my brother in Melbourne, and my freshly engaged sister. At some point, both of us started tearing up but we just carried on.

This plea to God, this togetherness, was much needed after everything we've been through this summer. It was hard for me, it was hard for him, but we were never far from each others' sides. We grew as individuals, as a daughter, as a son, and we grew as a couple.

I say it felt strange because while I was pouring my heart out to God, I was doing the same to him. I drew down the very last shield that was meant to protect me and truly let him in into the dustiest corners of my mixed-up soul. I felt naked. When he was praying, I got to see sides of him that I hadn't before - like the kind, broken boy who hid behind the solemn, proud man. And I wonder, what he saw in my prayer.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Poetry Slam.

I have been obsessed with Poetry Slam videos lately, coming home every single day only to plug myself in the chair and go through Youtube like a buffet menu. Spoken poetry touches me, inspires me, saddens me, engulfs me. I now have my favorite poets, whose poems I go hunting for and whose poems I cry to.

Sometimes I feel like I know these poets. I see their arrogance, recognize the source of their strength, and feel the battles they have fought. They speak of social issues and their own pain in the most beautifully heartbreaking way, and they have the superpower to weave unassuming words together to paint the most vivid picture. You'll hear the audience in the background gasp at parts and click their fingers as cheers, which escalates into a ringing applause when they can no longer contain their awe.

I always only knew poetry as rhyming words immortalized on a piece of paper. I always only enjoy the works of Tao Lin, Sylvia Plath and Lang Leav, but not anymore. I now equally love the works of Lauren Bullock, Lily Myers, Anny Miners, Hieu Nyugen, Neil Hilborn, and so many more. Spoken poetry lures feelings and thoughts out of you with volume, intonation, and crescendo - qualities that don't reflect on paper. The emotion they punch into every word and gesture is so breathtaking, I just cannot get enough of it.

I made an addition to my bucket list: To save up enough money to fly to Connecticut and Stanford and Oneonta so that I can see my favorite poets perform live. I want to cry with the crowd. I want to click my fingers along. And I want to meet these talented strangers. If you don't know about Poetry Slam, you should really check it out. I promise it will change your life.


This is the first video I stumbled upon on Upworthy, which piqued my curiosity and led me to many many others.

And these are some of my favorites:










Explore the rest of the Poetry Slam world on your own and I think you'll eventually join me on my trip to see them :D xx

Thursday, August 22, 2013

An angel gained her wings.

This has been a very, very tough week. J's grandma passed away and it has taken so much from his family, especially him. Ever since I met J almost a decade ago, he's told me that Grandma is the one person he loves the most. He is extremely close to her, even more so than he is with his parents because she raised him up when his parents were traveling around the world.

Honestly, I have never seen J so upset or seen him cry as much and as hard as he has been for the past few days. It breaks my heart so much, but I know crying is the only way he can mourn. When I first heard the news, I found myself comforting him in the same way that I would with the people who ask for my advice on Tumblr. It was disturbing. Suddenly, I stopped being his girlfriend and I felt like his grief formed a barrier between us. I didn't know how to break it down and I dare not try too hard. Eventually, we stopped talking to each other because he knows I don't need words to understand how he feels and because I know I have nothing to offer that will make him feel better.

Today, after delivering his eulogy at the memorial service, he came to me in tears and whispered "Please help me". Suddenly, the wall of grief disintegrated and I was invited into his world again. I cried along with him and we just stood there hugging for the longest time. For as long as I've known J, he's never once asked for help from anyone. Not when his company was struggling, not when he was hospitalized for his weak heart, not ever. His plea brought about the most excruciating heartache I have had to experience and I really wish I could just take away all his pain. I wish I could protect him like how he has always protected me. But his plea also came as a relief for me, because it could only mean that he was finally ready to let go.




//Wounds from death and loss almost always leave behind the ugliest scars, but they also almost always heal. I made a promise to him that as long as he's healing, I will always be there regardless of where we might be in our relationship. Somehow this promise still doesn't seem enough, but it will do for now.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Counting stars.

If you remember, I had a barbeque with SJ and Div last year, and we thought we should continue this tradition this year. It was so much fun! We had great food, cheap wine, and talked under the sunny sun sun. SJ will be heading to Massachusetts soon, which means I won't be seeing her for the remaining of my school year. I'll miss my Blondie so much :( And that's why I'm putting this entry up now, even though it happened in May. Haha.

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Our humble set-up. Just like last year, we were blessed with sunny weather (which is rarer than an eclipse in Canterbury)!

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This £2 BBQ tray is pretty amazing. I think it lasted for an hour?

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BOMBDIGGITY CHICKEN. It's making me have major cravings now :3

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Love them with all my heart :'D (plus Reema and Asim) <3333333

xx