Open flame.

In one of my Psychology lectures last year, we learned that pain is necessary. When you hover your palm too close over an open flame, your body registers the sting and you instinctively withdraw your hand to avoid any permanent injuries. Some people try so hard to wish away their pain but if you lose the ability to feel pain, it might be too late before you realize your entire body's on fire.

So I choose to be grateful for my pain. Not because I'm some kind of masochist, but because it proves that my body is still alive and still trying to survive. My brain is still sending me warning signals to keep moving forward so that I can put more and more distance between myself and my "open flame".

Prospect.

In the midst of living for you, I forgot about myself. I didn’t realize how much I was doing for you. I didn’t realize a lot of my decisions and actions were designed with you in mind - sleeping at a certain time, watching certain shows, wearing certain clothes. I don’t blame you or anything; these are choices I made. But while you so carelessly move on with your life, I am still trying to get my life back on track. Back to the pre-You times.

And I’ll get there.

30th June 2014.

I miss you. I miss you at different points of the day; usually because something actively reminds me of you, and occasionally because thoughts of you just creep into my head. Though lately, it seems like everything reminds me of you. That's the problem when someone is integrated in almost every part of your life. When they're gone, you are left with feeling like chunks of you have been ripped out.

I miss you so much. Sometimes, I stare at your phone number blankly, as if you would magically call me at the same moment, as if I will get to hear your voice again. Sometimes, when something happens to me - good or bad - I anticipate how I will tell you the story when I get home in the evening. Until I remember you won't be there to listen to it anymore. Sometimes, I still smile from remembering small and silly traditions we used to have.

"The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained."

I wish I got to say goodbye properly. But if I could wish for anything, I would wish for you to still be here. I don't know how to mourn for the loss of you. Don't know if I still have the right to grieve over you, or if I should be forgetting about you. I say that as if I have a choice. Someone told me today that death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, and it's true. No one can fill this gaping hole that you've left, no one can come even remotely close to the role you played in my life. But love leaves a memory that no one can steal too.

I loved you. I love you. I have that, and all the memories you created with me. I have that, and the knowledge that someone as amazing as you once loved me too. I pray that you are with God now, where there is no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. I pray that there truly is life after life, because I need to know that I will be able to see you again.

I miss you.

"rest my heart on your words."

I saw Jehki for the first time since we broke up. It was mostly to sort out/return stuff that we have of each other, but I guess it was also an excuse for us to catch up. He seemed well. Healthy. It started off pretty awkward, with us shooting routine questions back and forth.

"How are you?"

I'm fine, how are you?

"I'm good."

Okay.

There was always a slight tension in the air, but I didn't expect anything less. 20 minutes in, I felt more comfortable and it felt more like old times. We got into the more personal questions. Turns out, we're both dating other people now. I miss him. He misses me. But not in the same way anymore. I don't think we're ready to be friends yet, but we'll get there in time.

Dear You,

thank you.

I've always imagined that if we ever broke up, it would be executed in this way- no nastiness, no faults, no regrets. Even as we parted ways, you remain the same person that I have known and loved for the last ten years. So thank you, thank you that even as we reach the end of the road, you are still as genuine, good, and kind as you have ever been. This break up was unbearable, but I would never exchange our relationship for anything else.

You've fixed me. Please know that I will be eternally grateful for that. Before our three years together, I was a cynical lover, a faithless girlfriend. You transformed me; taught me to love with abandon, and gave me a reason to look forward to a future that included another person. And as I detach myself from the ideal of 'us', I find myself still seeking happiness and love with a hopeful heart. I'm no longer afraid to love, and I no longer equate "letting someone in" as "being vulnerable". All of this is a result of your impact in my life. While every other guy I've been with have left me more broken, you left me intact and even more whole than I've ever been.

"You gave me a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous."

This is so true of you. No one's ever loved me the way you did, not as completely, not as thoroughly. Sometimes I think maybe no one ever will. But I can't limit myself and stop myself from finding out if that's true. You taught me to put myself out there and that's what I will do. The first thing you said in your first letter to me was "let go of your residual baggage", and I have.

Hand on heart, I wish you all the happiness in the world. No one is more deserving than you to find joy. And as I bid farewell to 'us' in this electronic letter, I want you to know that I am leaving with only positive feelings of what has happened and what is to come. I will not tarnish what we had with pity and grief.

I will always love you, Jehki.

I will remember the way you loved me, I will miss you from time to time, and I will strive to find something/someone else as perfect in my life. Never in comparison to you, but so that I will get to feel that way again.

I will always love you.

x

Weak moment.

My heart aches. It's ached like this once before so I know what it means. But knowing does nothing for the pain. I wish I could scream my feelings at you, to say I love you without having to feel guilty, to say I love you without knowing it will mess both of us up even more. I wish I could hear you say the same words back one more time.

I've saved every picture you sent me, every letter you wrote, every voice message you recorded - they are all I have left now.

I just miss you so much and I feel so sorry for what we're doing to each other.









I love you.

December 2010 - March 2014

Jehki and I have broken up.

This is not day-fresh - or even week-fresh - news, but I've struggled for quite a bit about putting it on here and letting the whole world know. It's been almost a month now and I think initially, a part of me still imagined us getting back together. Writing about it on my blog would make that impossible and make it final. But that's what it is now, final.

Only a handful of people knew about this and most of them were devastated because as much as I find it hard to fathom, people 'shipped' us. From the messages I've received, I know many of you do as well, and it probably has a lot to do with why you read my blog in the first place. So I guess that's why I feel the need to let you in on this part of my life, even though talking about it is the last thing I want to do.

Jehki and I have been through a lot for the past three years, from our friendship, to our long-distance relationship, to Holly, to my health, to his business, to my insecurities, to his grandma's passing. Before your mind wanders, I just want to clarify that neither of us did anything wrong, neither of us cheated. It wasn't the distance taking a toll on us, and it definitely wasn't because we stopped loving each other. Although I can't completely reveal why we are breaking up, I don't want anyone to think that we had anything but a mutual and amiable break up.

It's heartwrenching when you have to let go of someone you've shaped your life around, but this was a decision we came to together. To give a very political and annoying (but still accurate) reason: We broke up because we wanted different things in life. Rather than staying in this relationship purely out of love, we thought it would be better to free ourselves and be with other people who might want the same things. Ultimately, we are at a point in life where we date to marry and the thing we disagree on impedes on marriage directly, so splitting up was the right thing to do.

Right now, Jehki and I are just trying very hard to move on. We've stopped speaking since the break up but it's not permanent. We were best friends before anything romantic, and like we promised each other 3 years ago, we will always be best friends at the end of the day. We agreed to see other people in the meantime and that's what we are both doing. When we're ready, we'll go back to bantering like old buds again.

I know I'll be writing another blogpost about this when I can wrap my head around this reality. But for now, I just wanted to get the news out there. I haven't been able to tell most of my friends about this break up, so I'm also hoping they read my blog regularly enough to see this.

And if you're wondering, I am okay xx

Love is hardly perfect.

It really isn't and you learn it the hard way. As you know from my previous post, J and I were in a disgusting honeymoon phase (for some reason!?) and we decided we had to break out of it because we were becoming really unproductive. I don't get any work done anymore because I am constantly checking my phone and he is always distracted at work. But the problem with breaking away is the timing. We could never get it right/synchronized so sometimes, it felt like one of us cared more about the other. Also, issues like this magnify in long-distance relationships because texting/calling is essentially the only form of contact you have.

It was very silly and to be honest, I was "tolerating" J for a very long time because while I understood that he was trying to maintain normalcy by texting less, it pissed me off!!! I'm sure he was "tolerating" me as well but that bugger would never admit it because he thinks it's a very offensive word to use in a relationship. I also have to admit that I was being a proper bitch because I refused to tell him he was upsetting me and I played a bit of mind games (without realizing it). This lasted for the whole of three days before he called me out with "where's the open communication you always advise your Tumblr followers?" OH SNAP!!!! So I sucked it up, we talked about it, and it's all rainbows and unicorns now.

I know I always talk about how perfect he is and how happy I am, so I'm just putting this out there to let you know that we are just like any other couple. He is the most amazing man but there are times when my character gets in the way of his and we just have to work around it. I mean, we have been together for three years...there's bound to be friction! So yeah, love is never going to be perfect. It won't always work the way you want it to but that's fine as long as two people are willing to keep fighting together :)

xx


P/s: If you happen to have read my last gibberish entry (which is now deleted), please never speak of it again! That was the aftermath of a space cake when I was in Amsterdam (which I will blog about very soon) and I am not proud of it at all. If you are not one of the lucky few who read it, then you are not a big enough fan of this blog!!! Also, you missed out on some prime mentioning of Divya entering the porn industry (hahahaha, jokes).

How To Be A Friend.

I spent the entire day with friends today and I'm home now feeling fulfilled from the htht we had, and yet completely spent from the things I found out. Being in the UK has made me so detached and oblivious to the tension that has been brewing in one of my friendship groups. Today made me think about myself as a friend and as an individual.

Ever since I left Singapore, one of the biggest alterations I have made to my life is the friends that I keep. Right now, I can confidently say that the people I surround myself with are those I would label as my "close friends" and those I am willing to sacrifice a lot for. I can't say the same before 2010 because then, I had a misconstrued idea of what friendship meant. It's easy to form friendships but hard work comes when you have to maintain these friendships. It takes more than the occasional meet-up or a courtesy text. A friendship worth keeping is one that has honest communication and the relinquishing of ego.

Honest communication- A lot of what is going on right now has gotten so much worse over time because people just REFUSE to be honest with one another. Every time anyone comes to me with a problem that involves another person, the first thing I suggest is for them to talk about it and fix it together. Every time. It's the same with families, couples, and friends. Sometimes, I get the same response, "But I am not the confrontational type". IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING CONFRONTATIONAL. There is no need to be aggressive or to turn it into a war. Communicating your insecurities and anger is the best way to clear any misunderstandings, to remove the possibility of wrong assumptions, and to show that you are still making an effort. More importantly, it gives the other party a chance to change and make amends. I cannot accept people who claim to treasure a relationship yet refuse to be honest about their feelings. In my book, it's the same as declaring an intention to give up. A relationship simply cannot function without honest communication. Problems don't just disappear and you don't just stop feeling lousy because you "gave it time".

Ego- This is more so for people who are on the receiving end of an "honest communication". Some people, like myself, have so much ego that they can have it for dinner. Whenever I hear something negative about my behavior or my personality, my very first reaction is to be defensive and swat away these accusations. But being so prideful will only put up a wall that blocks all attempts of raw honesty. After years and years of practice, I've learnt to put my ego aside. Today when I found out that a friend was hurt by what I did, the first thing I said to her was an apology. It was never my intention to hurt her but I did anyway, so I accepted my fault and apologized before anything else. It took a lot out of me to not defend myself but it was the right thing to do.


I am writing this post for so many reasons. To remind myself not be an assholic friend, to remind YOU what you already know but don't practice (don't think I don't know), and I guess a small part of me wishes my friends would read this and understand where I am coming from. I spent three hours texting people individually tonight, hoping to create a platform for reconciliation, but I think emotions are peaking right now and little of what I am saying is getting through to them. I'm genuinely afraid I cannot fix things before I leave Singapore.

But come what may, this post is my honest communication.

Homecoming.

J is coming home tomorrow!!!!!! I can't even describe how happy I am.

As I am typing this out now, I'm sitting on his bedroom floor. His mum let me in and I just spent the last two hours decorating every inch of it with our pictures, fairy lights and some Christmas-y stuff. LDR has made me such a mush, but it's our third anniversary very soon and I want to do something girlfriend-like.

Also, I've been stuffing my face with his mum's cooking and playing with Oden (his dog) for the past hour. Can't think of a better way to spend my Saturday :)

I really miss J... Just being in his room reminded me so much of us before we both left Singapore. It wasn't necessarily a happier time, but it was definitely simpler; we had no idea what LDR had in store for us. I miss laying together with him without having to worry about the expiration of our time together. I miss writing on his desk and sticking post-its all over the place. I miss leaving his house at the end of the day and having the luxury of saying "See you tomorrow".

Two more years. Two more years before we can be in the same place again. Cannot wait to see him on Monday :) x

If they dusted my heart for fingerprints, they would only find yours.

I'm feeling particularly loved right now... :)

Ever since 8-9 months ago, I've been hit with one bad news after another, particularly with my health. And because J and I have always maintained an open and honest communication with each other, he has also been on the receiving end of these haunting news. I've tried protecting him but it never worked out for either of us - he knows me too well to know when I am troubled by something and it only stresses him out more when he doesn't know what it is, and I...I've always needed him more than I care to admit. Somehow, his strength compensates for the loss of mine. So I surrendered to the fact that I will have to share everything with him, good or bad.

Safe to say, I have put him through hell ever since but I must say that he has been nothing short of amazing. Trekking through all the bad, things finally took a positive turn yesterday. I heard back some really encouraging news and when I SOS skyped him in the middle of the day to tell him, he surprised me by crying.

I saw the relief wash over his face and it struck me speechless. I mean, of course I know that he loves me, but I guess I have always overlooked the depth of it. Until now, I still find it incredible that someone who isn't obligated to love me, loves me so much.


So thank you, J. Thank you for bearing a weight that wasn't even yours to begin with. Thank you for loving me as much as you do and I can only promise that I will love you back just as much :)


xx

P/s: We are turning 3 on Monday!!!

(I'm sorry I can't detail what actually happened. Only a handful of people know and I plan to keep it that way. But that wasn't the point of this post anyway! Haha.)

First prayer.

Today, J and I prayed together as a couple for the very first time and it was...strange. I was basically a walking oxymoron. It feels a lot like falling in love with a person; having to struggle with letting someone else into your heart, being extremely vulnerable because one wrong move could break you completely yet feeling undeniably comforted that someone is there to share your world.

I have never prayed aloud before - not even with my bible study group - because prayer to me, is something very personal and something I am only willing to share with God. I feel like if I pray aloud, I would focus more on "packaging" it to sound better for the sake of the people listening rather than on what I want to say to God. J, on the other hand, has always wanted to pray together and I finally agreed because my sister did the same with her fiance and it seemed to have helped them grow as a couple.

He went first, praying for both our families, our friends from Singapore and the UK (particularly the one girl who had meningitis, you know who you are), and finally, for each other. I did the same next, lingering slightly longer for his grieving family, my brother in Melbourne, and my freshly engaged sister. At some point, both of us started tearing up but we just carried on.

This plea to God, this togetherness, was much needed after everything we've been through this summer. It was hard for me, it was hard for him, but we were never far from each others' sides. We grew as individuals, as a daughter, as a son, and we grew as a couple.

I say it felt strange because while I was pouring my heart out to God, I was doing the same to him. I drew down the very last shield that was meant to protect me and truly let him in into the dustiest corners of my mixed-up soul. I felt naked. When he was praying, I got to see sides of him that I hadn't before - like the kind, broken boy who hid behind the solemn, proud man. And I wonder, what he saw in my prayer.

An angel gained her wings.

This has been a very, very tough week. J's grandma passed away and it has taken so much from his family, especially him. Ever since I met J almost a decade ago, he's told me that Grandma is the one person he loves the most. He is extremely close to her, even more so than he is with his parents because she raised him up when his parents were traveling around the world.

Honestly, I have never seen J so upset or seen him cry as much and as hard as he has been for the past few days. It breaks my heart so much, but I know crying is the only way he can mourn. When I first heard the news, I found myself comforting him in the same way that I would with the people who ask for my advice on Tumblr. It was disturbing. Suddenly, I stopped being his girlfriend and I felt like his grief formed a barrier between us. I didn't know how to break it down and I dare not try too hard. Eventually, we stopped talking to each other because he knows I don't need words to understand how he feels and because I know I have nothing to offer that will make him feel better.

Today, after delivering his eulogy at the memorial service, he came to me in tears and whispered "Please help me". Suddenly, the wall of grief disintegrated and I was invited into his world again. I cried along with him and we just stood there hugging for the longest time. For as long as I've known J, he's never once asked for help from anyone. Not when his company was struggling, not when he was hospitalized for his weak heart, not ever. His plea brought about the most excruciating heartache I have had to experience and I really wish I could just take away all his pain. I wish I could protect him like how he has always protected me. But his plea also came as a relief for me, because it could only mean that he was finally ready to let go.




//Wounds from death and loss almost always leave behind the ugliest scars, but they also almost always heal. I made a promise to him that as long as he's healing, I will always be there regardless of where we might be in our relationship. Somehow this promise still doesn't seem enough, but it will do for now.

Prelude to.

J and I have this quiet habit. Whenever we come across a funeral, we stop, he holds my hand in his, and we pray silently together. Sometimes he ends it by kissing my wrist. And if we are alone when it happens, we text each other "Just walked past a wake." and the other person will take a moment to pray.

This has always been a habit of mine, - since I was a child -, to say a little prayer for the deceased and their families. I've been doing it for more than half my life now. Last April, J just took my hand and when I looked at him surprised, I saw that he'd closed his eyes and joined me in the prayer. My heart swelled to the size of a melon and from then on, it just kinda became our 'thing'.

We don't ever speak about it, though. Most of the time, we just smile at each other and continue on with our day, yapping about insignificant events. I think it's because he knows how much death affects me personally. But I'm glad I can share this silly habit of mine with him. I wouldn't want it with anybody else. It reminds me of how kind he is and how he keeps on doing things that make my heart burst like pop rocks.

J is what I never knew I always wanted, and what I never knew I always needed x

Every today.

Every today since 2007, my boys and I would take a trip down to the cemetery and pay our respects to a good friend. He was my first male best friend, my first Muslim best friend, and the first person who taught me "to hell with what people think". He teased me relentlessly but protected me like a brother. He never let anyone mess with me.

Every today since 2007, I remember him. I remember his face, his smile, that cheeky glint in his eye. I remember his words, his fearless attitude, his irrational need to seek trouble. I remember how we used to be able to talk on the phone for hours, how he boasted about his latest lady conquests, and how he broke down crying on the few rare occasions.

Every today since 2007, I miss him to the extent of pain. I miss his rough slaps on my back, I miss his phone calls, I miss him threatening to hurt the boy who let me down. I miss his loyalty, his silliness and his laugh. He told me once that he never expected a "Chinese girl" to become his best friend and it made me really happy. I miss that.



Today, I prayed for him. Mostly because I didn't know what else to do.

Across our religions, across our faiths, across our worlds, I prayed x

Blessed Birthday.

This year's big b-day was a little different from the rest. For starters, I requested weeks before that my family don't celebrate it with me this year. Like every other Chinese family, birthday means going out for a meal. But I didn't want that this year, and they reluctantly agreed. I even told most of my friends that I wasn't free to spend time with them, because I mainly already planned to stone at home and rewatch Supernatural (hahaha). I don't know why but I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I was already gutted by the fact that Jehki wasn't going to be in Singapore, on top of everything that has happened for the past year. I guess I didn't have many things to be thankful for.

But of course, this entry is made possible because I have awesome family and friends who refused to leave me alone. Otherwise, it'll just be a post about fat-me eating and chilling on my bed.

Started off with my Masterchef brother preparing a scrummy birthday meal for me the night before (re: no celebration agreement)!

Grilled pork chop - sooooooo yummy. Think I gobbled it up within minutes. There was also onion soup, veg/fruits salad and mash, but I was too greedy to take pictures of all of them.

My two oddly different cakes! Because one is too mainstream...

Then right on the midnight dot, Rena and Calyn showed up at my doorstep with cake and goodies!

We chatted for about an hour or so and they left for bedtime haha. It's amazing how I can always count on Rena to be there for me :') It's been 9 years of that infallible friendship and I honestly look forward to the next 9, 10, 20 years.

Headed down to Mustafa with my brother and Melody, around 2am or so. It was the best because for once, I'm not in a sardine tin while shopping! And of course, supper was due.

SWEE CHOOOOOOOOON~ Don't know why no one else has thought of late night dim sum before. It's only the best idea ever?!

My pretty its-4am-and-I-just-want-to-eat/sleep face.

We ordered quiiiiiite a bit but finished all of it!

At this point, I just felt like a sow. Went home, slept, snored, woke up, and it was still my birthday! Made last minute plans for Evan to pop by for a lunch date.

And he brought caaaaake! :D

We ended up only leaving the house at 3pm and I was crazy hungry by then!!

For those of you girls who love Evan, just FYI, his favorite restaurant is Marche and I'm pretty sure he'll marry you if you bring him there and feed him rosti and PRAWNS. Hahaha.

Marche never disappoints and my stomach was bursting at this point but I swear Evan has a bottomless pit for a tummy. He's just never full. Cannot wait for his metabolism rate to slow down and for him to turn into a cow hahaha.

So anyway, we walked around for a bit, had dessert, shopped, and I went home while he met up with his parents. On my way back, I received a call from Khai who said she was feeling down and needed someone to talk to. And after hours of texting back and forth, I told her I would meet her at Cityhall.

Because once I stepped out of my house, this group of crazy masked people ran towards me screaming, poured all sorts of nonsense on me, and tried to snatch my bag!!! Turns out while I was texting Khai, she was plotting with the rest to sabotage me.

I was pretty much drenched from all the liquids they poured on me. Thank God I didn't bother to style my hair!? Iced water - checked. Sprite - checked. Slurpee - CHECKED.

There goes my makeup too. Also the same day I realized my eyeliner and mascara LIED. They were definitely not waterproof!!

 

Real faces of the culprits!!

But all was forgiven because they bought me Macadees for supper and because when I went back into my room after a shower, they had prepared this.....

We had a nice long chat and I slept under heaps of balloons that night :)

*happy face*

I was almost about to go to bed when Ian and Ben called to say there were on their way to my place and needed to speak to me about something. They sounded so serious and guess what...I FELL FOR IT AGAIN. I changed out of my PJs, rushed down to the void deck and standing right in front of me was JEHKI. Didn't expect myself to react that way but I burst into tears when his face registered in my mind. I just couldn't believe it and he was the very last person I expected to be there. 

For those of you who don't know, Jehki has an internship in Milan for the next year or so, and that's also the reason why he wasn't able to fly back to Singapore in the first place. In spite of his habit of springing surprises on me, I genuinely didn't think he would be able to surprise me this time, especially after the text he sent me a few hours before:

But that boy is just insane. Apparently, he got back a day before my birthday and when I asked why he showed up at the end of my birthday rather than at the beginning, he said it was so that I could spend time with my friends (awwwwww). Plus he cheekily admitted that he needed to recover from his jetlag. Haha. 

This was the best birthday I could ever ask for and I think God reminded me that I still have people I should be thankful for by allowing me to spend time with the people I love on this day. And I think that by expecting the least out of this occasion, I had the most fun I've had in ages. Thank you, to everyone who made such a huge effort in celebrating my birthday, when I was the least enthusiastic about it. Love y'all xxxxx

That's when I love.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I feel homesick," I whispered.

"But you're home. Are you homesick for Canterbury?"

I shake my head.

"What are you homesick for, babe?"

"You."



I realize it's true as soon as I said it. Home is wherever I feel safe, and happy, and in my element. I am all those things when I am with Jehki. I miss him so much, it hurts a little. Sometimes it feels as though I have lost him - as though I am going through a fresh break up - until I pick up the phone and ring him, and hear his voice. I feel much better after, but still not as well as if he were standing right in front of me. My birthday's in four days' time and I just want him here, with me, and not a thousand miles away. I don't even mind not doing anything, just as long as I can snuggle in with him and watch an old Marvel movie.

I don't admit my feelings often, not even to him. I'm too macho for that, haha. I'm only thoroughly honest on my blog, because the people reading are usually very supportive (thank you). And because I know J will read this and he will understand what I cannot convey personally.

So my dear Wolf Boy, if you are reading this, I miss you. I want you home the first chance you've got. Your mum and I are already plotting to lure you home, just so you know. Haha. But until I get to see you, be safe and healthy. I've fallen head over heels for you, and I'm glad you are mine :]

I braved a hundred storms to leave you.

Maybe I need to stop running to have enough time for real goodbyes.



xx

Runner.

I run now. I'm a runner. I no longer stand my ground, no longer stay and fight.

x said, 
"Maybe it's just not worth fighting for?"

And that's frightening, because does that mean I have nothing and nobody worthy in my life anymore?

Past month has been rough. I was constantly struggling with my health, whilst trying to juggle my studies as well as personal relationships. I still am. Don't think I've felt so tired in a long time.

Health- My body has dealt me some serious crap. Two weeks ago, every moment I was conscious was threatened by the fact that I might just pass out on the streets. And every night/morning I go to sleep, J was afraid I wouldn't wake up. I saw doctor after doctor, and no one could help me, until I had no choice but to fly back home. I was scared and exhausted, but had to play it down because people like my mum would freak the hell out. And probably Divya too, haha. I've since been diagnosed, am put on a course of treatment, and will have to make some adjustments to my life. Still scared out of my wits but fingers crossed for the best.

Studies- Same ol', same ol'. Essays. Revision. Exams. I just need to plow through second year and I hear third year will be better.

Friendships- People play you out on plans that were long set. People turn against you like coyotes aiming for your throat. People take advantage of what you give them and just take and take. And these are my closest friends, dishing me one disappointment after another. Fair enough, they apologize after, but it just gets so taxing when you are dealing with so much altogether.



// Despite everything and everyone, J was always my pillar. While everything was in a whirl and a mess, he tried his best to be constant and unchanging. And I really appreciate it :') I never have to weigh the truth in his words, because he's pure and kind and strong, and just...good. Did I mention...HE WENT TO A GYNECOLOGIST ALONE FOR ME!? He basically stepped into a clinic full of pregnant ladies and asked for an appointment to see the doctor so that he can get medication for me. And on the day of my flight back, he surprised me at the airport because he didn't want me to fly back alone. This boy is just amazing T_T

But anyway, like I said, I'm a runner now. I usually enjoy a good fight but I think all these have taken a toll on me. A friend attacked me via whatsapp the other day and I just quit the conversation even though I had truckloads to say. And instead of growing some balls to tell my friends what I have been going through, I just pulled myself away from any means that they could contact me. Back at home for a while now, and I still haven't mustered the courage to meet anybody. Please call me Wimp Li.

xx

Pink Spartans.

A lot has been going on at home for the past month or so.

Mama J found white spots on her breast a few months ago and the doctor confirmed they contained cancer cells. She went through two surgeries to try to remove them but there were always more - like specks of salt and pepper - so her surgeon suggested a final surgery to remove her entire breast. If you are a woman, you can probably imagine how she was feeling. And if you are a man, just imagine having your balls removed.

I flew home just a day before she was admitted into the hospital for her third operation, leaving behind my exams and assignments. Thank God my uni advisor was really understanding and supportive, helping me with all the paperwork to excuse my attendance for the exam and extend my essay deadlines.

For about a week, I slept over in the hospital ward with Mama J. I sat by her while she cried, because she was afraid of going for the surgery. I held her hand while they wheeled her into the operating theatre. I heard her croak her first words when she woke up after the surgery. I memorized her wince of pain, every time she would move her body, even in the slightest. I received blows of her tantrums that stemmed from pain and discomfort. I smelled the food she had absolutely no appetite for. And I saw how she would deliberately avoid looking at the wounds from the surgery.

Every single day, I was there...but I wasn't there. While I could pick up her phone calls for her, feed her water from a straw, and hold her as she tries to stand up, I never felt like I have done enough. I can never do enough for my mum, especially when I know the part she needs the most fixing, is her heart. Mama J is the strongest woman I know, but this battle has depleted her confidence and will. I know it's gonna be a long road to recovery. Her wounds will heal, her scars will lighten, and I can only hope that Mama J will be Mama J again eventually.

I'm not the first person going through something like this, and I know I won't be the last. If you are (or know of anyone who is) a girl/woman, please go for regular check-ups. It doesn't cost much to just get a mammogram at a government clinic. The good thing about my mum's case is that it was found out early, before the cancer cells had a chance to spread. Also, guys get breast cancer too.