Out of place.

I spent the last two weeks rushing to keep up with J and his family, and I have never felt so tired. Not physically so, but rather, I feel like I have exhausted all my social abilities. I'm someone who's big on "Be Yourself"  and I always have been whenever I meet with my boyfriends' family. But somehow, I feel compelled to be an entirely different person around J's relatives and family friends.

His parents are very humble people, and they are extremely nice towards me; they take care of me, they text me well wishes once in a while, and they ask me over for home-cooked dinners. Because J and I will be leaving Singapore to study in UK, I was invited to several dinners with his extended family and a few family friends; to meet everyone in the capacity of his girlfriend.

For every meal, we were brought to VIP rooms where there were at least 3 waiters serving us. Men were dressed in suits, and ladies were in cocktail dresses. Even when I was in make-up, a decent dress, and painfully pretty wedges, I still stuck out like a sore thumb.

This is not who I am. I'm someone who needs to laugh out loud, someone who needs to crack cheap jokes, and someone who is most comfortable sitting cross-legged. I don't want elitism, or getting into heated arguments about politics, or having to talk about yourself to people who only ask out of politeness. I am not a social butterfly, I don't come from a wealthy family, and my parents don't have a network that spreads across half the globe.

J could tell I was trying so hard to fit in, but he will never know how much it takes out of me. Every night I come home, I sit on my bed with sore feet, and I ask myself: "What the fuck am I doing?"
I am in a Korean drama where two people from worlds apart fall in love. It got me so scared because I was genuinely thinking about our future together. I cannot be that kind of girl; someone who is prim and proper, who knows how to appreciate french food, who is able to laugh pretentiously at intellectual jokes.

This is not one of the posts where J comes in and makes everything right by the end of the day. I'm postponing this problem till 4 years later because maybe after my education in UK, I will have changed. Or maybe, we won't even be together then. Regardless, J is settling down in London right now and I still love him with all of my heart. Please take care, my baby <3