Haven't mentioned Jehki (on my blog) in a while, haven't spoken to my friends about him in two months now, and when people ask about him, I just say "He's fine, but busy". It's all I know, really. Except for our regular Skype dates, I haven't seen him for a long time. I'm not actually worried about us, just worried about him; how he's coping with everything, how he carries the weight of the world on his shoulder, how maybe he's doing more than he can manage.
"I won't crack, I'm your pillar," he reminds me all the time. And I feel like that promise, in itself, is a burden for him. Just want him to take it easy, want him to know that I'm not going anywhere even if he does crumble because like he did for me so many times before...I will be there to break his fall.
He's coming down to Canterbury next weekend (pre-Valentine's date) and I can't wait. It's not even about seeing him because technically, I see him everyday (on Skype). It's just nice to be able to hold his hand and walk along High Street, to rest my head on his shoulder in a warm cafe, and to look at him and tell him every boring detail of the week, without the barrier of a screen. I just want him here with me because it's when I feel the most whole.
2 comments:
Hey Jia Yi!
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now but I have a few questions for you that I've been racking my mind over, losing sleep over.
1) How does it feel like when the butterflies fade, for you? After the honeymoon period?
And now I'm going to tell my scenario...
I can't tell whether I love my boyfriend in that way anymore but at the same time, I think it's because of how long we've been together. People tell me that, and I've read quotes that say how the feeling of being IN love fades after awhile, and it's happening to me. I love him, but am not sure if I'm IN love and it's scary because I am the kind of girl who has a wandering eye. I don't act upon it but I know I am in essence, someone who is extremely easily tempted by passion rather than stability.
Jia Yi, I am so scared because this relationship is not one I want to lose and yet two other guys have already caught my attention.
One is a guy in my class who kept shooting me glances.
And the other is a guy who I liked in primary school who I have never gotten over deep down. I just saw him a few weeks ago and though I have not talked to him face to face for over 5 years my heart started beating so fast.
What should I do? :'(
I feel too messed up to trust myself. The worst part is this: my boyfriend is awesome, loving etc. However, we frequently have a clash in opinions. It used to be a big deal, and we'd fight. A lot. It still happens sometimes. However, now, we manage to smooth it out really quickly.
It's like, as relationship partners, we're getting better but inside of me, I don't know what to do.
I'm so so so scared because what if my boyfriend is the one for me and due to my temptation I'm throwing it all away?
But on the other hand, what if our relationship would not work out due to our differing opinions etc?
Help? Please? :( Should I talk it out with him? Etc etc? :(
Answering your first question, the butterflies are still there. I still feel them every time he says my name, every time he does something sweet for me. I don't know if it will go away but that doesn't bother me. Even if my heart doesn't flutter around him, it doesn't alter the magnitude of my love for him.
As for you and your boyfriend, having different opinions shouldn't be an issue at all. We are not made to be identical to anyone, we are not meant to think exactly like our other half. In fact, it's nice to be able to argue about stuff, to hear each other out.
And about you having a wandering eye, you just need to keep that in check. Think about how this reflects on you as a person, as a girlfriend. It speaks so much about your principles and values in life and that should not be how you want to be portrayed. Stay faithful not only because of him but also because of yourself. Be the kind of person you would be able to respect and if you really prefer another guy over him, end things before you do something you would regret. And ultimately, you have to learn to live with your decisions, babe.
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