I want to tell the whole world about you. I want to let them know the brother you were to me; to share with them how amazing you were and how impossibly strong you have always been. The only thing is...I don't know how to go about doing it. How do I let anyone know about you, without revealing this private part of myself?
Friends and teachers have been checking up on me from time to time, asking if I'm ok. I am very grateful but every time, I will ask myself "Do I feel like killing myself?". When I don't at that moment, I'll reply that I'm ok. And when I do, I'll reply "I will be ok". Of course I don't really know if its true, but I figured it was the easier way out. It's so hard to tell anyone that all these is tearing me apart. How can I open up to them, without opening up this wound in my heart?
Last night, I kept chanting "I miss you" over and over again as if it will suddenly become less true. It never did and I never stopped before falling asleep at 5am. This morning, I woke up to a wet pillow and tear stains on my face. As I ended a long day with grief, I started a new day the same way. I stayed at home the whole day when I was supposed to be somewhere else, and I spent my afternoon staying in bed. I know very well that it's healthier for me to be outside and around my friends, but my body wouldn't let me. I didn't want to do anything because it hurt too much to be around anybody who is even remotely happy. I guess it's because I don't know when I can fall out of this hole of depression to be like them, to be like my old self again. I don't know how to take away this missing, this longing that is etched in my soul. I know it derives from my love for you, but I hate what it's doing to me now. Sometimes, I even wished I would love you less so that the pain would lessen as well.
I am sorry you had a horrid childhood, but I am so proud of you for changing your own life and carving your own future. Anybody else in your shoes would have grown up to be bitter and miserable, but you...You ended up being so positive, so full of life, and so insipring. You probably don't know it, but everybody around you loved you for how you touched their lives. I loved you, and I will always love you. I don't care where I go from here, or where you are now...I will always keep you in mind. Day 3, and I still miss you ♥
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