I don't know how to deal with this, I really don't. It's not like I didn't try. When I'm around people, no one can tell that I am hurting inside. But when I'm alone or in bed at night, I have to fight every urge to kill myself. It's not because I can't live without you...it's because I cannot cope with losing you in my life. I cannot imagine what I have to go through before I get used to not having you anymore. I don't even want to find out if I can survive the 'coping'. The devastation is consuming me, slowly, but surely...
I try to surround myself with friends and avoid being alone in a private space, but it's so hard to even try because I don't want to do anything at all. I don't want to go out, I don't want to pick up calls, I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to do anything. I miss you so much...
I try to read the Bible, but even that is almost impossible. I cannot get through any verse or chapter without being reminded of you. And it's so painful. I miss you so much...
I try to blast happy music into my ears, but it won't drown the thoughts that are screaming in my head. I miss you too much...
You are the kindest and bravest person I have ever known, but the world hadn't gotten a chance to see for themselves. I am thankful for you because there were so many times when you were my inspiration, my strength. Now I have to rely on my own strength to get through this and I don't even know if I can...
This week, we talked about healing in church; how lives have been saved through Christ. And now you are gone. I pray that God can heal me from this pain that is eating at me.
Our last words to each other were, "See you later", but we never did...
I miss you, Gerald. I love you.
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