"rest my heart on your words."

I saw Jehki for the first time since we broke up. It was mostly to sort out/return stuff that we have of each other, but I guess it was also an excuse for us to catch up. He seemed well. Healthy. It started off pretty awkward, with us shooting routine questions back and forth.

"How are you?"

I'm fine, how are you?

"I'm good."

Okay.

There was always a slight tension in the air, but I didn't expect anything less. 20 minutes in, I felt more comfortable and it felt more like old times. We got into the more personal questions. Turns out, we're both dating other people now. I miss him. He misses me. But not in the same way anymore. I don't think we're ready to be friends yet, but we'll get there in time.

Dear You,

thank you.

I've always imagined that if we ever broke up, it would be executed in this way- no nastiness, no faults, no regrets. Even as we parted ways, you remain the same person that I have known and loved for the last ten years. So thank you, thank you that even as we reach the end of the road, you are still as genuine, good, and kind as you have ever been. This break up was unbearable, but I would never exchange our relationship for anything else.

You've fixed me. Please know that I will be eternally grateful for that. Before our three years together, I was a cynical lover, a faithless girlfriend. You transformed me; taught me to love with abandon, and gave me a reason to look forward to a future that included another person. And as I detach myself from the ideal of 'us', I find myself still seeking happiness and love with a hopeful heart. I'm no longer afraid to love, and I no longer equate "letting someone in" as "being vulnerable". All of this is a result of your impact in my life. While every other guy I've been with have left me more broken, you left me intact and even more whole than I've ever been.

"You gave me a love so deep that even the ocean would be jealous."

This is so true of you. No one's ever loved me the way you did, not as completely, not as thoroughly. Sometimes I think maybe no one ever will. But I can't limit myself and stop myself from finding out if that's true. You taught me to put myself out there and that's what I will do. The first thing you said in your first letter to me was "let go of your residual baggage", and I have.

Hand on heart, I wish you all the happiness in the world. No one is more deserving than you to find joy. And as I bid farewell to 'us' in this electronic letter, I want you to know that I am leaving with only positive feelings of what has happened and what is to come. I will not tarnish what we had with pity and grief.

I will always love you, Jehki.

I will remember the way you loved me, I will miss you from time to time, and I will strive to find something/someone else as perfect in my life. Never in comparison to you, but so that I will get to feel that way again.

I will always love you.

x

December 2010 - March 2014

Jehki and I have broken up.

This is not day-fresh - or even week-fresh - news, but I've struggled for quite a bit about putting it on here and letting the whole world know. It's been almost a month now and I think initially, a part of me still imagined us getting back together. Writing about it on my blog would make that impossible and make it final. But that's what it is now, final.

Only a handful of people knew about this and most of them were devastated because as much as I find it hard to fathom, people 'shipped' us. From the messages I've received, I know many of you do as well, and it probably has a lot to do with why you read my blog in the first place. So I guess that's why I feel the need to let you in on this part of my life, even though talking about it is the last thing I want to do.

Jehki and I have been through a lot for the past three years, from our friendship, to our long-distance relationship, to Holly, to my health, to his business, to my insecurities, to his grandma's passing. Before your mind wanders, I just want to clarify that neither of us did anything wrong, neither of us cheated. It wasn't the distance taking a toll on us, and it definitely wasn't because we stopped loving each other. Although I can't completely reveal why we are breaking up, I don't want anyone to think that we had anything but a mutual and amiable break up.

It's heartwrenching when you have to let go of someone you've shaped your life around, but this was a decision we came to together. To give a very political and annoying (but still accurate) reason: We broke up because we wanted different things in life. Rather than staying in this relationship purely out of love, we thought it would be better to free ourselves and be with other people who might want the same things. Ultimately, we are at a point in life where we date to marry and the thing we disagree on impedes on marriage directly, so splitting up was the right thing to do.

Right now, Jehki and I are just trying very hard to move on. We've stopped speaking since the break up but it's not permanent. We were best friends before anything romantic, and like we promised each other 3 years ago, we will always be best friends at the end of the day. We agreed to see other people in the meantime and that's what we are both doing. When we're ready, we'll go back to bantering like old buds again.

I know I'll be writing another blogpost about this when I can wrap my head around this reality. But for now, I just wanted to get the news out there. I haven't been able to tell most of my friends about this break up, so I'm also hoping they read my blog regularly enough to see this.

And if you're wondering, I am okay xx

Oh, Milano.

I made a Valentine's trip to Milan this year to meet my man! I've been there twice before to visit J, but this trip was so different in a good way. I don't really have words for it but it was the best two days of my life. Maybe it's Valentine's Day, maybe it's being in a foreign country with someone I love, maybe it's just Italy. Milan, though dusty and cold, was incredibly romantic.

We walked everywhere, visited the beautiful Duomo Cathedral again, and had a staycation in a B&B away from the city centre. It's now my favorite place in the world, even surpassing Venice, simply because of the memories it holds for me.

|| Babe, thank you for planning such an amazing "weekend". Thank you for making this minute occasion feel like my birthday, Christmas, and good Friday all came together in one. Thank you for loving my friends like they are your own and for sending them little gifts every Valentine's Day. I can never predict what surprises you will spring on me and I think after this trip, I will give up on trying to "up" you. You're a Yoda-level romantic and I just can't beat that.

Sometimes I wish I could see myself through your eyes. I wish I could understand how you could love me this much, to enjoy doing so much for someone as undeserving as me. I'm not complaining but I am amazed. Love you xxx

Love is hardly perfect.

It really isn't and you learn it the hard way. As you know from my previous post, J and I were in a disgusting honeymoon phase (for some reason!?) and we decided we had to break out of it because we were becoming really unproductive. I don't get any work done anymore because I am constantly checking my phone and he is always distracted at work. But the problem with breaking away is the timing. We could never get it right/synchronized so sometimes, it felt like one of us cared more about the other. Also, issues like this magnify in long-distance relationships because texting/calling is essentially the only form of contact you have.

It was very silly and to be honest, I was "tolerating" J for a very long time because while I understood that he was trying to maintain normalcy by texting less, it pissed me off!!! I'm sure he was "tolerating" me as well but that bugger would never admit it because he thinks it's a very offensive word to use in a relationship. I also have to admit that I was being a proper bitch because I refused to tell him he was upsetting me and I played a bit of mind games (without realizing it). This lasted for the whole of three days before he called me out with "where's the open communication you always advise your Tumblr followers?" OH SNAP!!!! So I sucked it up, we talked about it, and it's all rainbows and unicorns now.

I know I always talk about how perfect he is and how happy I am, so I'm just putting this out there to let you know that we are just like any other couple. He is the most amazing man but there are times when my character gets in the way of his and we just have to work around it. I mean, we have been together for three years...there's bound to be friction! So yeah, love is never going to be perfect. It won't always work the way you want it to but that's fine as long as two people are willing to keep fighting together :)

xx


P/s: If you happen to have read my last gibberish entry (which is now deleted), please never speak of it again! That was the aftermath of a space cake when I was in Amsterdam (which I will blog about very soon) and I am not proud of it at all. If you are not one of the lucky few who read it, then you are not a big enough fan of this blog!!! Also, you missed out on some prime mentioning of Divya entering the porn industry (hahahaha, jokes).

Freshly in love.

Things have been so different between J and I lately, and I love it!! I don' even know what brought it on but it seems like we're back to our honeymoon phase. We are texting every second of everyday, we flirt like new flings, he thinks I am "kind and soft and lovely", and I just can't stop smiling whenever I read something he sends me. It's so unusual!

We've already been together for three years and I always thought that the honeymoon train was long gone. Though technically, we were never mushy like this because we were such good friends even before anything happened. Whatever it is, I'm not going to question it. We laugh at our mush from time to time but I'm content with the way things are now :)

Homecoming.

J is coming home tomorrow!!!!!! I can't even describe how happy I am.

As I am typing this out now, I'm sitting on his bedroom floor. His mum let me in and I just spent the last two hours decorating every inch of it with our pictures, fairy lights and some Christmas-y stuff. LDR has made me such a mush, but it's our third anniversary very soon and I want to do something girlfriend-like.

Also, I've been stuffing my face with his mum's cooking and playing with Oden (his dog) for the past hour. Can't think of a better way to spend my Saturday :)

I really miss J... Just being in his room reminded me so much of us before we both left Singapore. It wasn't necessarily a happier time, but it was definitely simpler; we had no idea what LDR had in store for us. I miss laying together with him without having to worry about the expiration of our time together. I miss writing on his desk and sticking post-its all over the place. I miss leaving his house at the end of the day and having the luxury of saying "See you tomorrow".

Two more years. Two more years before we can be in the same place again. Cannot wait to see him on Monday :) x

If they dusted my heart for fingerprints, they would only find yours.

I'm feeling particularly loved right now... :)

Ever since 8-9 months ago, I've been hit with one bad news after another, particularly with my health. And because J and I have always maintained an open and honest communication with each other, he has also been on the receiving end of these haunting news. I've tried protecting him but it never worked out for either of us - he knows me too well to know when I am troubled by something and it only stresses him out more when he doesn't know what it is, and I...I've always needed him more than I care to admit. Somehow, his strength compensates for the loss of mine. So I surrendered to the fact that I will have to share everything with him, good or bad.

Safe to say, I have put him through hell ever since but I must say that he has been nothing short of amazing. Trekking through all the bad, things finally took a positive turn yesterday. I heard back some really encouraging news and when I SOS skyped him in the middle of the day to tell him, he surprised me by crying.

I saw the relief wash over his face and it struck me speechless. I mean, of course I know that he loves me, but I guess I have always overlooked the depth of it. Until now, I still find it incredible that someone who isn't obligated to love me, loves me so much.


So thank you, J. Thank you for bearing a weight that wasn't even yours to begin with. Thank you for loving me as much as you do and I can only promise that I will love you back just as much :)


xx

P/s: We are turning 3 on Monday!!!

(I'm sorry I can't detail what actually happened. Only a handful of people know and I plan to keep it that way. But that wasn't the point of this post anyway! Haha.)

First prayer.

Today, J and I prayed together as a couple for the very first time and it was...strange. I was basically a walking oxymoron. It feels a lot like falling in love with a person; having to struggle with letting someone else into your heart, being extremely vulnerable because one wrong move could break you completely yet feeling undeniably comforted that someone is there to share your world.

I have never prayed aloud before - not even with my bible study group - because prayer to me, is something very personal and something I am only willing to share with God. I feel like if I pray aloud, I would focus more on "packaging" it to sound better for the sake of the people listening rather than on what I want to say to God. J, on the other hand, has always wanted to pray together and I finally agreed because my sister did the same with her fiance and it seemed to have helped them grow as a couple.

He went first, praying for both our families, our friends from Singapore and the UK (particularly the one girl who had meningitis, you know who you are), and finally, for each other. I did the same next, lingering slightly longer for his grieving family, my brother in Melbourne, and my freshly engaged sister. At some point, both of us started tearing up but we just carried on.

This plea to God, this togetherness, was much needed after everything we've been through this summer. It was hard for me, it was hard for him, but we were never far from each others' sides. We grew as individuals, as a daughter, as a son, and we grew as a couple.

I say it felt strange because while I was pouring my heart out to God, I was doing the same to him. I drew down the very last shield that was meant to protect me and truly let him in into the dustiest corners of my mixed-up soul. I felt naked. When he was praying, I got to see sides of him that I hadn't before - like the kind, broken boy who hid behind the solemn, proud man. And I wonder, what he saw in my prayer.

An angel gained her wings.

This has been a very, very tough week. J's grandma passed away and it has taken so much from his family, especially him. Ever since I met J almost a decade ago, he's told me that Grandma is the one person he loves the most. He is extremely close to her, even more so than he is with his parents because she raised him up when his parents were traveling around the world.

Honestly, I have never seen J so upset or seen him cry as much and as hard as he has been for the past few days. It breaks my heart so much, but I know crying is the only way he can mourn. When I first heard the news, I found myself comforting him in the same way that I would with the people who ask for my advice on Tumblr. It was disturbing. Suddenly, I stopped being his girlfriend and I felt like his grief formed a barrier between us. I didn't know how to break it down and I dare not try too hard. Eventually, we stopped talking to each other because he knows I don't need words to understand how he feels and because I know I have nothing to offer that will make him feel better.

Today, after delivering his eulogy at the memorial service, he came to me in tears and whispered "Please help me". Suddenly, the wall of grief disintegrated and I was invited into his world again. I cried along with him and we just stood there hugging for the longest time. For as long as I've known J, he's never once asked for help from anyone. Not when his company was struggling, not when he was hospitalized for his weak heart, not ever. His plea brought about the most excruciating heartache I have had to experience and I really wish I could just take away all his pain. I wish I could protect him like how he has always protected me. But his plea also came as a relief for me, because it could only mean that he was finally ready to let go.




//Wounds from death and loss almost always leave behind the ugliest scars, but they also almost always heal. I made a promise to him that as long as he's healing, I will always be there regardless of where we might be in our relationship. Somehow this promise still doesn't seem enough, but it will do for now.

Prelude to.

J and I have this quiet habit. Whenever we come across a funeral, we stop, he holds my hand in his, and we pray silently together. Sometimes he ends it by kissing my wrist. And if we are alone when it happens, we text each other "Just walked past a wake." and the other person will take a moment to pray.

This has always been a habit of mine, - since I was a child -, to say a little prayer for the deceased and their families. I've been doing it for more than half my life now. Last April, J just took my hand and when I looked at him surprised, I saw that he'd closed his eyes and joined me in the prayer. My heart swelled to the size of a melon and from then on, it just kinda became our 'thing'.

We don't ever speak about it, though. Most of the time, we just smile at each other and continue on with our day, yapping about insignificant events. I think it's because he knows how much death affects me personally. But I'm glad I can share this silly habit of mine with him. I wouldn't want it with anybody else. It reminds me of how kind he is and how he keeps on doing things that make my heart burst like pop rocks.

J is what I never knew I always wanted, and what I never knew I always needed x

That's when I love.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I feel homesick," I whispered.

"But you're home. Are you homesick for Canterbury?"

I shake my head.

"What are you homesick for, babe?"

"You."



I realize it's true as soon as I said it. Home is wherever I feel safe, and happy, and in my element. I am all those things when I am with Jehki. I miss him so much, it hurts a little. Sometimes it feels as though I have lost him - as though I am going through a fresh break up - until I pick up the phone and ring him, and hear his voice. I feel much better after, but still not as well as if he were standing right in front of me. My birthday's in four days' time and I just want him here, with me, and not a thousand miles away. I don't even mind not doing anything, just as long as I can snuggle in with him and watch an old Marvel movie.

I don't admit my feelings often, not even to him. I'm too macho for that, haha. I'm only thoroughly honest on my blog, because the people reading are usually very supportive (thank you). And because I know J will read this and he will understand what I cannot convey personally.

So my dear Wolf Boy, if you are reading this, I miss you. I want you home the first chance you've got. Your mum and I are already plotting to lure you home, just so you know. Haha. But until I get to see you, be safe and healthy. I've fallen head over heels for you, and I'm glad you are mine :]

Happy Frienniversary.

Basically, for a whole month and more, I've been an MIA girlfriend. Jehki and I kept making plans for me to train down to London but I always put it off for uni work. We still talk everyday and our daily phone calls are like chicken soup for my soul, but I think he decided enough was enough, and made a spontaneous trip down to Canters.

J's visit was short, but he made it count. We drove down to Dartford and back, he saw my flat and loved it, and told me at the end of the night that, without my knowledge, we celebrated our 'Frienniversary'.

I'm a sucker for handwritten letters. If you remember, it was a letter than brought us together two years ago as well.

I cannot believe we've known each other for 8 years. And of course, being the boy that I am, I don't even remember the exact date we met. I thank God too, for you. And thank you, for everything you've done for me. Somehow, I always see your effort radiating in your every gesture and it still surprises me that a person can care and love as much as you do. Your heart is enormous and I'm thankful I can own a part of it. You know all the thoughts that cross my mind and most importantly, you know just the right things to say. I'm a bundle of mess, with my insecurities and skepticism, but you remind me every night that you will accept every inch of that.

"Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed-up soul." 
I think I found that someone. I love you so much and please remember even if I don't say it, that I am grateful for the things you do.

Happy Frienniversary xx

Your love will be safe with me.

I have a habit of keeping every single letter/card given to me; I store them in a huge plastic box and take them out from time to time. Today was one of those 'times'. I shuffled through the box, picked out random letters and started reading them.

I found one that I wrote about four years ago; it was a letter I wrote right before I was going to meet my then-boyfriend, a letter I'd wanted to give to him after he cruelly told me through text that he had feelings for someone else. But this letter wasn't penned with the intention of reprimanding him. In it, I begged foolishly hard for him to forget the girl and take me back. It's difficult imagining myself so stupid, all in the name of love.

Anyway, this letter obviously failed to reach his hands (I can't remember why), but it brought back vivid memories from that day. I remember traveling to his house to meet him, us sitting under the block, and how I cried uncontrollably. I remember pleading him to give me another chance (CRINGE) and him keeping silent. I remember him kissing me at the end of the night, yet insisting he cannot let the other girl go. I left confused, used, and called the first person that came to mind.

Jehki.

He was always my go-to friend when it came to matters of the heart, because he was mostly cool-headed and objective. J came immediately to wherever I was and stayed with me until curfew. In those few hours, he listened to me, pat my back when I hiccuped from crying too hard, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders when I shivered from feeling so lost. And right before we parted, he said "You deserve someone better,". Those words meant nothing to me at that point in time, because my then-boyfriend was my world. But now, they ring with clarity.

I have found someone better. I found someone who will not make promises he can't keep, who will never allow me to beg for anything, who will crumble to see me shed a tear. He may not be the best in the world, but he is the best for me.

It's days like this when I fall a little harder in love with you, Jehki T :')

Jehki suggested that one day next week, we will go on our 'first date'. We are going to do the exact same things we did for our first date two years ago, visiting the same places, wearing the same outfits. And most importantly, he wants the same nerves and butterflies and the deafening sound of our hearts pounding. This is just about the best idea ever, but now, I'm so excited I can't even sleep (timecheck: 4.20am).



So........I'm just playing Supermario on facebook. You guys need to get on it too.

Troll level: Supermario

J and I were on Facetime earlier and in a completely romantic moment, I asked him:

"Do you know who makes me really really happy?"

Jehki: "Me?"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Me: "No, SUPERMARIO."


HAHAHAHA. Troll level x 100.

But anyway, my boy's on his flight back right now and I can't wait. Although it means waking up flapping early to pick him up. The things we do for looooove~

When in doubt, breathe in and out.

We never fight past the 24-hour limit. We always either apologize, or we agree to disagree. This time's different; neither of us are backing down and I can't fault that because I get where you're coming from. I just hate fighting, especially with you, that's all.

I can talk to the whole world about Holly, but I can't do that with you. I wish you could understand why. It's too personal that way, too intimate in a very dangerous way. It's like how I can talk to anyone about my parents' divorce, but my parents. It unearths so many things that I don't even want to go near. I'm too proud to admit that I used to be so scared, and very much in despair. I realize that these feelings were based on nothing but someone's attempt to sabotage our relationship, but these same feelings don't just go away. They don't just disappear because I still remember feeling that way and I know now that you are capable of making me feel like that again if you wanted to. This leaves you with so much power over me, and I'm not sure if I am okay with that.

I'm glad neither of us resorted to cold wars, by the way. No shouting too (insert smiley face). You still text me every day, even when I was in BKK, and this gesture still warms my heart indefinitely. But this fight...it's like the elephant in the room and I don't know how to get rid of it.

Two more days before you get back. Maybe we'll talk then.


P.s. Wish you were awake now. Hate the stupid time difference. Love you.

You are of one date in time's furrows.

Dropped by J's shop with my hands full of Starbucks and Gong Cha this evening. It was pretty nerve-wrecking because it's the first time I was seeing everyone (J's and my mutual friends) after we got back together, and I was barely armored for their exploding questions.

Walked into the shop and J immediately came to my rescue; he took the bags of drinks from me, gave me a hug and kissed me gingerly. Everyone started making fun of us and I blushed like a peach but I didn't mind. I'm the touchy-feely one in this relationship, so his rare displays of affection always put me in the best mood :)

But like I had anticipated, we were grilled for two good hours, while they leeched for details of everything that had happened. I knew J was really worried because even though we've both agreed to put it behind us, he's afraid the constant mention of Holly would affect me. It didn't though. I'm not haunted by her anymore. Right now, I'm just really happy with J. That kind of joy doesn't translate into words, somehow, but I feel every ounce of it whenever I see/hear/touch him. And even his littlest gestures - like smiling at me from across the room - sends me into an electric whirlwind.



Last night in my prayer book, I wrote "Please let me have him forever," and that scared me a lot...

"The rose speaks of you silently."

J and I have been going back to the same spa place for the past month and when we were brought into separate rooms for our shower today, my masseuse spoke to me in Mandarin.

"Your boyfriend really loves you."

"Why do you say so?" I asked.

And she replied, "Because of the way he looks at you."

I thought she was going to say it was a nice gesture that he brought me there for my birthday, but I never expected that. It's true though. Sometimes when I am rattling off about something insignificant, I would look up and find him staring at me like I am saying something so important it demanded all his attention. He never looked away embarrassed, or pretended to be paying attention to something else. He would continue looking at me in the gentlest way, and it always made me feel special. He made me feel special. In a way not many people can.



J taught me how to feel the butterflies over and over and over again.

I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up.

I was praying so hard for a Merit (2:1) so when I saw this, I almost jumped out of my chair. I feel so blessed. It still seems unbelievable because during the exam period, I was battling a heartache, being ill, being so far away from home and the cued exam stress. Those days were a blur now because all I remember is locking myself in the room, scribbling pages after pages of psychology notes, and then pacing around the room trying to memorize them. I also remember stopping once in a while because the stress piled up sky-high, and I would cry because I missed J too much and because he wasn't there to calm me down anymore. I know it's nothing to get Distinction in the first year, but it means a lot to me because that was one of the toughest periods in my life.

I'm really glad I got through it, and that I have J back now :')

Another good news, I got a job with a local magazine! Once every fortnight, I will churn out an article and the editor will decide if it gets published. I cannot be more excited because I love writing (serious stuff instead of gossipy blog entries, haha) and because they will send me on assignments. Woop woop!

Don't know what I've done right to deserve so many good things in my life, but I will count my blessings and not expect more. Thank You God, for being my strength when I had none, for being my listening ear, and for walking with me :)