J.

My heart, my eyes, my thoughts, they sought out for him; looking for the familiar face in a sea of people. I didn't need to look hard. He was the first person I focused on and in that instant, I felt a wave of helplessness wash over me.

As soon as I fed my ticket to the machine, I just about ran towards him, and into his arms. Burying my head into the hollow of his shoulders, I cried. I cried for being too strong for too long, cried in fear of what he might say, cried because we let things change between us, because our undoing would be loving each other far more than should be legally allowed. How do you ever get over that?

For the next four hours, we just sat and talked. I saw the man I love cried - a rare sight - and it pierced through every fibre of my being. I should be relieved that we mean so much to him, but I wasn't...? He hasn't stopped fighting for us, but have I? Will he, eventually? I've never seen him so lost and it aches to know that somehow, I was the cause. Granted, I was scared as well, but he just tried so much harder to eradicate my fears.

This is the man I love, the man I don't deserve to have, and the man who - despite that - still chooses to belong to me. "The only way you can push me away is if you push me away," he said, a promise as heavy as our hearts.



I just don't know if I'm already doing that..