Today is the 13th day after ZX's passing.
I gave 13 prayers in his name, at first hoping he would come back, then
praying for my heartache to go away. Now, I am only asking for his
happiness wherever he is.
I made 13 paper hearts. In each heart is a different message from his
friends, his parents and I. Burning the paper hearts would mean he has received
our well wishes right?
I wrote 13 letters. 1 to his parents, 2 to myself, and 10 to him. Do you
think he was reading over my shoulders while I was writing it? Do you think he
pat me on my shoulder and told me, "It's okay, I am here."?
ZX's funeral makes the 4th funeral of a friend. I don't know if it is normal, but it sucks to watch 4 of your friends leave. Every single time, it's like someone using a nail clipper to chip away my heart. Bit by bit. But what didn't kill me, made me stronger.
There are so many people to thank for this. Asking me if I was alright, leaving gifts of comfort, and just being there. Everything counts, but I think the person I should really thank is tsw. Until this, I didn't realize I had the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.
Before everything, we were having quite a big quarrel over something sensitive and we didn't talk for a few days (that's why no entry here also). Then I think he read about ZX here. He asked around and on the day of the funeral, he waited under my house to accompany me there. None of us apologized for the fight, and he just said, "Let's put it aside first". We didn't talk at all during the drive to CCK but when we reached, he immediately put his arms around me. After I have hugged everyone and said my piece, he pulled me out of the door. No words at all. He just sat me down on a platform and held my hands. Then I just cried and cried and cried. I think he knows the right words to say, but he won't say it. He wants me to learn to regulate my own emotions.
He went for the funeral with me for the next day too. After that, we barely spoke. Then on Wednesday, I got very very sick. It was like hell inside my body, and I still had to struggle with school stuff. I stayed a night @ his place, and he really took care of me. He did everything for me, even cooked for me.
Now I know and believe; he may not always be there when I want him but no matter what happens, he will always be there when I need him. Always.
Mummy likes tsw, and my brother thinks he is a nice guy :D
P/s: If you read the whole chunk of words, you are quite awesome. Haha.
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