Mourning.

How do you know when you have reached a breaking point? How do you know when you can longer take it?

Is it crying uncontrollably? I am there now. I cry and cry and cry, because I don't know what else I can do and because it hurts too much not to cry
Is it wanting to die every second of the day? I am there now. I keep planning how I want to go painlessly, and the only thing stopping me of executing it, is knowing that my family will be going through what I am going through right now. It's too cruel.
Is it giving up on being yourself? I am there now. Every time I laugh at something funny, I am immediately overwhelmed by grief again. Every time I want to smile at something when I'm by myself, the grin never makes its way to my face. Every time I make plans with someone to go somewhere, I end up canceling because it's too difficult to not be alone. Every time I tell myself I have to pull it together, I ask myself "Why should I?". 

You will never know when you have maxed out on your emotional threshold right? Not until you finally do something so decisive and destructive, not until there is no way to reverse the state you are in, not until you don't just break...but you shatter.